Do You Struggle With "Dad jokes"?

Half of the time I either don't get them or don't think they're funny.  Which is, apparently , their job in life.  Here is a sample that popped up in this morning's boredpanda.com 

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous - I see a few new faces this week.

If you believe your microwave is spying on you; your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What do you call a short woman?  A minimum.  Large?   Maximum.

I wondered what my parents did before there was the internet - none of my 15 brothers and sisters knew either.

The waitress asked the diner, "How did you find your steak?"  "It was right next to the potato." 

"I like it when the Earth rotates.  It really makes my day."

I asked a lot of people "What is LGBTQ? and none of them could give me a straight answer"

Quit cher crabbing

This is always a treat when Richie makes crab cakes.  His are better than those of a number of restaurant versions.  They are too good not to share the recipe.  

Premium crab is available at Smart and Final in a large black can.  Phillips Premium Crab.  Mix all of the  the following except for the crab

CRAB CAKES

1 lb. crab

1 egg

2 T Worcestershire sauce

1/4 teas. dry mustard

2T mayo 

1T lemon juice 

1 T mustard 

1T melted butter

1T Parsley flakes

1 T Old Bay seasoning.

1/2 cup bread crumbs

Combine all the ingredients except the crab then fold it in the and shape it into cakes.  Pan fry or bake in the oven at 375 deg. for 12-15 minutes until evenly brown and an internal of 165 degrees  

                                              BON APPETITE!

A Blonde has triplets

 As stated above - a blonde gives birth to triplets.  Some do-gooder female approaches the mother and asks, "What's the hardest thing about triplets?" 

The blonde glances upward and says, "Being pregnant for 27 months."

Medical Laughs

I recently had another ambulance ride - last Wednesday to be exact, the day we were promised lobster tacos and there they weren't, but what followed never happened before.   I had an appt. with a new neurologist, a woman - my old one had retired.  The appt. went uneventfully as far as they go and since I didn't mention her name I can say that she was zero help.  Walking to the elevators I had a sudden TIA attack.  Happily there was a bench right by the elevator and I sat down while Richie went back to the office to get her.  

She sent the nurse instead ,out to get me and seat me  in the exam office I'd just left.  Studying me, she said, "I'm going to call 911.  I was appalled.  What the hell!  Since her offices are right across the street from the ER for Little Co. of Mary before I knew it, here were 6 or 8, paramedics crowding her office.  All of the medical people concurred  and they strapped me onto the gurney and away we went.  

It was as rough a ride as I've ever had in an ambulance.  Evidence has never appeared to prove ambulances have any springs at all. The turns were rocky in the extreme and I asked the para nearest me, "Do these things ever tump over?"  He replied, "It's his first time driving." and I said, quietly, "It shows." and they howled like a pack of coyotes including the driver.  

The ER where they had put me in a cubicle was reasonably entertaining due to one man who periodically shouted and wailed.  He was located in the short hallway from outdoors to ER  He happened to have an outbreak when my Asian nurse heard him say, "Daddy why did you do it?" and she nodded wisely and said, "Ah yes, Daddy." 

Staff was trying to get me a bed and were having poor luck.  I spent the night in ER and was quite comfortable.  Both of our hospitals - Little Co. of Mary and Torrance Memorial were full.  I'd never seen that either.  Nor heard the vocally insistent man.  Next morning they released me into the wild and I went home, overjoyed to be there.

We Just Missed the Bank Robbery

This from my cousin Indiana Doug dateline 9/24/21.  When I printed it out to blog it many of the  the end of the sentences weren't there.  Doug very kindly gave me permission to edit around the situation.  Just so you know.

"Yesterday afternoon, wife Melanie and I were supposed to be at the bank branch at 4:30 p.m. to sign some paperwork.  Melanie was a little late from work about 4:18 p.m.  Melanie then said she had to potty herself (Cousin Doug uses Bathroom yourself) Needless to say we weren't going to be there at 4:30 so I texted the bank manager that. On the way when we were able to go we saw several police cars running with lights and sirens in several directions.

When we arrived at the bank there were two police cars parked in the front lot to protect the neighborhood behind the bank.  

As I pulled into the drive we learned that bank had been robbed at gunpoint and apparently a shot was fired we later heard.

We drove around to the back of the building and I called the branch manager  to see if everything was all right. She was clearly distressed, saying that the robbery had occurred just a couple of minutes ago.  Everyone was very scared.  But she said she'd make an arrangement for our business next week.

I called my brother (a bank VP) to tell him to contact the branch manager and counsel her and her staff.  There were several customers in the bank and several in the drive through. We, too, would have been in there if Melanie hadn't needed to potty.  She later told me that the advantages of potty-ing were obvious.

Update  The robber was caught within 24 hours"

The Take 

$33,000  taken but only $700 as recovered of last night.

Do You Have a Cool Church?

Here are some examples (Thank you boredpanda.com)

Don't give up Moses was once a basket case

Jesus is coming, look busy

God ha no favorites but our sign guy does - Go Cubs!

Noah was a brave man to sail in a wooden boat - with two termites

We are still open between Easter and Christmas

(Catholic)  Lent is coming get your ash in church

Now is a good time to visit, our Pastor is on vacation 

Lobster Mania

Charlie and Rosalind's oldest son went from clamming to lobstering and boy did we benefit from this.   C and R invited us for dinner and all four of us were delighted.  Rosalind is a dab hand in the kitchen.  Her baked clams are of legend.  "Bring it on we gleefully shouted.  

While happily waiting for dinner, we loitered on their breezeway, a concrete space between the house and garage with comfortable padded chairs where there was a breeze!  Indian Summer can be hot and today had been.  We sipped our wines or beer and enthusiastically traded family gossip.  You've undoubtedly done the same at your family gatherings.  

Time flew by and before we knew it Rosalind was standing at the kitchen door calling us into dinner.  When we were seated, she put out a b i g platter of cooked whole lobsters.  She casually remarked that Sean had collected lobster traps today and here was some of the bounty.

Happily we began dissecting our lobs (East Coast reference term.) The room uncharacteristic with us fell silent save for a faint crackling sound of set-upon shells.  

Doug was vociferous through this anyhow - silence was wasted on him.  Rosalind, seeing his plate with only shells on it, promptly whisked the platter back and had refilled it.  Doug remarked that he didn't want to be a hog, but, damn! they were good.

Rosalind said, "Sean gave us 16 of them, for dinner tonight, so eat up!" Immediate praise rained down on him and Doug offered cash for his trouble which Sean refused.  

We were flying home the next day which this dinner  celebrated from several points of view.  Most certainly Sean's. 

As for Doug, it was the first story out of his mouth every time he recited what he'd seen and done.  "Can you imagine?  Sixteen!  Lobsters!"

A New Disappointment

Sharky's Web people are lazy.  They haven't updated it for four years nor served lobster in that time.  I asked for it at lunch and ha ha ha with tons of little giggles she told me this.

Doug gets tomorrow - Teaser - when we returned the renta car,  A Hispanic guy came out to take it, give it a bath and sign it over to the Vermillions.  Hertz's Welcome mat. Doug said to this guy in dark pants and a crisp white shirt, spit shined loafers "Grassy ass! as your people," say it.  He gave Doug an ironic look, turned and drove the car back into the garage. 

In Which Cousin Doug Is Rendered Speechless

Some years ago, we told Doug and his wife Jacqui we were going back to see Richie's brother Charlie and his wife Rosalind and their sons on Long Island.  Charlie and the boys were and are all Bay Men, clam diggers all until Sean decided to become a lobsterman.  

At the time we all thundered onto the Island his business was booming.  He had restaurants buying and getting a good return on the cost of lobster trapping.  The boat's engine was a flat $20,000 to start.  Sean had built his own traps (as many as 25-30.) saving money.  

Can't remember if we got 1st flying in but I think we did.  De-planed and went straight to Hertz and picked up the car I'd reserved for us.  A big-assed Lincoln.  Doug's motto is "Go big or go home."  And I'd gotten us reservations at the Chalet Motor Inn, Centerport.  Since then they rehabbed it and it has fetching patios and tables and chairs and an enormous pool.  And is reasonably priced.

We took the train from Huntington into The City.  Parking is a nightmare and even if you get a spot in a lot, they're very expensive.  All in all, it's marginally cheaper to take the train - and it's one more item for Doug's list of "Things I did in New York" 

Doug had a list of things he wanted to see and do.  He wanted to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge  and back just so he could say he had done it. 

None of us, however were prepared for the scene Doug gave us.  A wedding guest conclave was occupying the hotel parking lot, boom boxes at full blast, glass bottles of Budweiser tinkled gaily as they smashed on the concrete of the parking lot.  Screams of joy rang across it.  

Doug was furious and promptly dispatched himself to the manager's office to complain (with some heat.)  The manager didn't want any more trouble than he already had and turned Doug down.  This took nerve on his part because Doug was a big guy to start and being a Fire Chief didn't diminish his royal self.  As such he gave orders that were followed. Nervy manager.

Next morning new manager who obligingly gave him the room numbers of the offenders, all of whom got 4a.m. phone calls waking them up.  Courtesy of Doug. 

Part 2 tomorrow. 

It's Easy to Get Up in the Morning If -

If you're going to have Mexican lobster tacos for lunch.   We're doing just that with Dee.  Where? you ask?  Can I come, too?  

Sharky's, Hermosa Beach Pier is the spot and, yes, they celebrate Taco Tuesdays.  How great is this?  Buy one, get one free.  Look at it from another angle - where ya gonna find 50% off of lobster tacos?   

From their menu - 

Puerto Lobster Tacos - a single one is $6.25; if you're hungry and get the full meal, $13.99.  There's Ensenada Shrimp $4.25 single dose or $9.49 for rice and beans and God Only Knows.  

Vegetarians are not shunned - Cilantro rice 99 cents

Black or ranch beans                                    99

a side of guacamole $2

Onion Strings $4.75 and well worth every penny.

Sweet corn salsa or roasted corn salsa  Both 99 cents 

I can hardly wait I love lobster - Maine or Mexican slipper lobster.  A brief on lobster stories:  In case you don't know, Baja that well- between Rosarita Beach and Ensenada there is a modest little place called Lobster Village and they aren't kidding.  Every corner with a restaurant has a barker out front cajoling, urging to come where the good lobster are.  There is pretty much just one format for serving and what is served.  Join me - a large platter of lobster just off of the mesquite-fired barbecue.  A family-sized bowl of re-fried beans,  a pile of tortillas for ease of eating and handling. and I seem to member something green and salad-y but can't remember what the hell it was.  Fiesta was the general air there.

Tomorrow we will tackle my cousin, Doug, and the Lobster Pig.  Which you will find is him.

.

Sunday Laughs

Jay runs "Sunday is Fun Day" a collection of puns, many of which are quite funny.  It hasn't come in yet today will apprise you then.

Meanwhile, I came across a favorite site on boredpanda.com  It's the El  Arroyo, Austin, TX.  They're famous for their signs - a sample; see'em all at Panda

Introverts Unite!  Separately! In our own homes!

I just know I'll die trying to pet something I shouldn't  

I'm not aging like wine; I'm aging like milk - getting sour and chunky

The fact that I rejected napping as a child makes me sick

I'm so tired of babysitting my Mom's grandkids.

I need to teach my facial expressions how to use their inside voice.

Shout out to anyone who got thru today without a nap!  Pulling an all-day-er is tough!

Taken Two Ways?  (ed.)  I don't understand why people  have to "Get ready for bed" - I'm always ready for bed.

IF CATS COULD TEXT YOU, THEY WOULDN'T

Procrastinators Unite - Tomorrow!

We wanted to be adults so bad - now look at us.

And lastly - Top Three Hard Things tp Say

1.  I was wrong; 2.  I need help  3.  Worcestershire Sauce 

Lovely sunny day - go out and enjoy it!

The Earthquake

Us.  We were sitting in "our" chairs; Richie in his recliner and I in my armchair - when there arose such a clatter - oops it's not Christmas 

Earthquakes generally announce their  arrival by (I think) by starting far below the surface and as they move farther up, they get to the stuff that will rattle and by then shaking has become involved.

Happily though they rarely last long.  This scary event can take as little as 12 seconds.  Northridge some years ago was an exception.

Reactions included - my sister in Illinois where they have few earthquakes, who wrote, "Fun!"  They need more to do in Illinois.  Our friend Mouton said, "It felt like someone kicked the back of my chair" with which I would concur.  

The best part of this one (if possible) is that no injuries were reported and no damages either.    

Mask Fatigue?

Reading through a mask -  or critiquing for that matter through one is annoying.  Faithful members of the South Bay Writers Workshop can tell you all about it - consensus is that we hate them.   

Finally I remembered transparent visors that come down from the forehead rather than up from the neck.

Where could we get them?  "Hi, Google!"

Home Depot   $14.97

PETCO    $10

ACE Hardware    $7.09

A super frugal member of our group proposed - WalMart Saran Wrap $3.75 100 ft.

I'd go for PETCO myself...

Conversely...

On September 7th I wrote a column  on soccer star Jean-Pierre Adams who had just died after 39 years in a coma.

Coincidentally, Lawrence Brooks, of New Orleans had celebrated  his 112th birthday becoming the oldest WW2 veteran so far on September 6th.  

He was born in 1909, one of 15 kids.  He and wife Leona went on to have five kids, 13 grand kids and 22 great grandkids.  Leona died in 2008.  Today Lawrence lives with a daughter at her house in New Orleans.  When Hurricane Ida rolled in he was moved to a hospital to made sure that he would have fresh water and electricity.

The Museum of  WW2 New Orleans holds an annual birthday party for him,.  Pandemic necessitated a parade of honking cars and marching bands due to Covid19 

When asked about his longevity, he remarked that his Daddy always told in "Be nice to people."

The highlight of this year's celebration his body responded to the music and he stood up from wheelchair (formerly a cane) and danced a bit.  I can understand that - I love the blues and if I could get up at that kind of age, my feet would start movin'.

This is the ironic part to me - both men were prisoners of their own bodies. 

Shocking Lack of Common Sense

.Bob Enyart who broadcasted out of Denver and from the pulpit of a church there.  Enyart espoused such believes as that the hated vaccine was made from aborted fetal tissue.  Of course this isn't true.

He thought woman who had had an abortion should face the death penalty.  And his broadcast co-host said "he was the smartest man I've ever known."  This is smart?  Strikes me as bat shit crazy. 

Enyart was also insanely malicious.  In the 1990s, he read AIDs victims obituaries  on the air while playing Queens' "And Another One Bites The Dust"  and no doubt clapping and laughing.

Particularly when Queen died of AIDs in 1991, age, 45.  His own song for his obit?  That's pretty strong and not in a good way.

But the bright side is one more over the top conservative is not going to be spewing hate anymore.

Recovering from four days in the hospital.

It apparently takes two days while you recover from that!   

Hospitals are no fun at all . I missed home unbearably. Recovering  is what I'm doing  with good success because I never want to have to go there again.. 

I miss not writing (even though you may not!)   Today we vote on ousting Newsome.

Wednesday  the physical therapist comes to the house (their choice)

Thursday - we'll be at our usual place - and how we've missed it -inside with heat in the winter and a/c in the summer; indoor bathrooms year' round.   The Senior Citizens center at Veterans Park, Redondo Beach

Friday - (shrug - dunno)

But all is not lost

My friend Sheila, in Israel sent the following:

Have faith in Pfizer - if they can raise the dead, they can save the living

A little kid was asked by the priest "Do you know why I wear this collar?" and the kid said, "Because it kills fleas and ticks for 30 days."

Life is not a fairy tale - if you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk

Explaining an absence

Wednesday morning I found myself showing the signs of a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) sever enough to call the paramedics and spent the next four days in Providence Little Co. of Mary hospital.  I got home yesterday.  I feel fine and am recovering nicely. 

And that's why no blogs for four days.  

All's well that ends well!  I.E FREEDOM

"Wake Up, Dammit!"

(Sound of a hearty slap) in this case to the cheek of Jean-Pierre Adams a former soccer star who would go on to lie in a coma for the next 39 years until he died September 6, 2021.  His wife Bernadette cared for him and would not even consider euthanasia. She and the couple's two sons, born well before the coma, were at his bedside when he (finally) died.

The cause of this prolonged nap was botched anesthetizing by a novice anesthesiologist.  He didn't come back due to ventilator ignorance which sucked oxygen out of his longs, not pump it in, thus giving him a bronchospasm depriving his brain of oxygen after what had been considered a minor knee surgery.

In digging around I was surprised to read that Evel Kneival lay in a coma for 29 days after his failed attempted jump over the Caesar's Palace fountains.  

Women can hang in there, too, as evidenced by Elaine Esposito who lingered for 37 years and 111 days. 

29 days seems a lot more reasonable than 29 years.  If you have to have a coma.

Welcome Back!

The South Bay New Orleans Jazz Club is what I'm talking about.  After Covid 19 shut it down for two years.

A small piece of our former lives is coming back - live music, raffle tickets for some dandy stuff and the pleasure of seeing everyone again.  Added bonus - live music and the wonderful inter play of the band members with each other.  It's all a joy and it's this afternoon.   

Well None of Us Will Be Invited...

 

To the funeral for Queen Elizabeth II.   First things first - first thing is she has to die.  Then a senior aide or equivalent announces "London Bridge Is Down" announcing to those in the know that She has, in fact, died. 

 Prince Charles and the PM have a conference and Charlie makes a speech followed by a Service of Remembrance. 

Day 1, at 10 a.m. Charles is named King.

Day 2 The coffin travels from Buckingham Palace to Westminster 

Day 3 King Charles embarks on a power tour ? hitting Scotland first, then Northern Ireland wending the way to Wales.  After that QE2 will rest in state for 3 days, 23 hours a day.

As I understand it, she will be interred at Windsor in the King George VI* Memorial Chapel.

"The King's Speech"

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Keep what you do say as kindly as you can. 

Thus, notes on a dinner at

Seaview Bistro, 1420 W 25th Street, San Pedro, CA.

The occasion was a belated birthday celebration for Mouton who chose the place according to tradition.  Birthday Person picks the place.  

The place is tucked away in a corner of a mall and there was no glimpse of anything other than the parking lot out front.  And you had to be out on a spacious and drafty patio in front to even see that.  .  I ordered French Fries for the table with our drinks - flutes of champagne from a bottle I bought ($24)

  They were billed as "lemon garlic" but as there was no hint of either flavor, don't believe 'em,   The men ordered the evening's special a collection of shrimp in a red spicy sauce over pasta.    All three of them ate them right up.  They liked them!  The specials  were $81 for three guys. 

The server's were quite nice.  The entire staff came out from the kitchen to sing "Happy Birthday" to our honored dignity.  On tune, too!

I hope to have a much more positive report next Friday after next Thursday's lunch at Nick's at the old Metlox Pottery site in Manhattan Beach. Manhattan Beach Blvd and Valley. Check out their menu.  We members of the South Bay Writer's Workshop will be honoring Mo's birthday.  Her newest book will soon be in your book stores; more of which later.  

Found the Seaside Bistro bill

The (No) lemon, garlic, Spicy Fries $6.50

Homemade onion rings (again with our drinks) and they got snapped right up  $5.50

Including food and drinks and the Champagne at $24 our tab came to $170 plus tip and the guys tip in cash.

Old Customs Die Hard - Oops Sorry

I'm referring to an ancient custom of loved ones sitting up with the deceased all of the night before the funeral.  

Tuesday Richie's brother Charlie called to tell us that a fellow clammer,  Bay Man  and good friend of theirs had died.   For reference his name is Sonny Nogiewich.  Charlie didn't know what got him, but from info gleaned at the visitation today, it was cancer.  Type not specified but we are hoping for more information after the funeral today.  

Richie asked Charlie who would be sitting up with him.  I was puzzled.  Richie guessed "Cookie" (ex-wife)  or their daughter Debby.  

They finished their conversation and I asked Richie,  "Do they still do that?  "Sit up with the body all night?" and he replied, "Sure" and in turn looked quizzically at me like, "Where have you been?"  I bet the daughter.   

Some Up All Night History.  

Some religions believe that post mortem, the soul wanders around  being attacked or attacking other souls and apparently having a human there is a good idea.  Go figure. 

Embalming didn't begin until the Civil War.  And it was a job done in the deceased's home.  Up  until the early 1900s when funeral homes appeared.  Previously a neighborhood lady or a man  would take charge of washing the body and dressing it in Sunday Best.  It was a profession among many of them  I imagine  it to have been akin to "Get the midwife!"

Visitation garb for mourners was expected to be Sunday Best, too, but with people being so time-stressed, it is perfectly okay today to pop in to the visitation straight from work.  

Today the all-night visitation is held in the funeral home; not the person's home unless it was cremated and then you could take the ashes anywhere you wanted.  For example, I told Richie, "If you go first I'm taking your ashes to the  Pitcher House, Upper Deck for your last Stella Artois.  He laughed - kind of coldly.

Stay tuned for who was Up All Night.  Which cancer it was and other details as their petals slowly open

Snail Mail

A clearly homemade stick and cardboard sign stuck in the dirt next to a verdant vegetable garden that reads:  

EVERY VEGETABLE IN THIS GARDEN HATES YOU 

credit boredpanda.com