Friday, July 30, 2021

A New Source

For Grand Larceny - and outright theft.  That would be The New Yorker - because  I get their discounted rate.  It's very expensive without it.  You can get it, too.  Get a (name of State) dba  I have a California dba and get such as these for $10 a year.  Vanity Fair, Architectural Digest,  Bon Appetite, 

The New Yorker  provided sustenance right away with the following cartoon.  A small hand reporter's lined tablet as follows.  

To Do

1.  Write Oscar Acceptance  speech

2.    Write movie that will win Oscar

3.  Write book that movie will be adapted from

4.  Pitch book idea

5.  Have idea



Thursday, July 29, 2021

Going To The Dentist - Choose One

My reaction to an upcoming dental appt. is:   NO! NO!  

Meh what's the fuss - they give you drugs - it can't hurt 

Lots of people have very sensitive gums? Can't be the teeth - think of their construction.  Eh, let's just go with : "sensitive mouth."  I'm one of them and am very happy to report a new drug.  

Used to be that the gum numbing was given via a gel on the end of a Q-tip rubbed all around the gums.

But now - ah, bliss.  Tiny little dispensers - a needle that dispenses the numb-er under the gums!  You'll hear a tiny "click, click" as the dispenser does it's job.  

What you won't feel is a numb throat - saliva travels deadening much in it's path.   So go gently and calmly into the black void of getting your teeth cleaned.  Good dental hygiene is all.

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

New Motto For the Olympics

"Go hard or go home"  For your convenience I have translated it into:  


French - Allez dur ou rentrero la maison

Italian - Tieni duro o vai a casa

German - Geh hart odor geh nach hause

Spanish - Dalo todo o vete a casa


Repeat as needed

 

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Olympic Oddities

Two of them are surfing and skateboarding.  Both just seem more So Cal. than an international event like the Olympics.  I should have said that I admire  the athleticism of everyone competing as well as the hand eye skills necessary.  Both of which are necessary to even get to Olympic grade status.

This surprised me - gold and silver respectfully in skateboarding went to two 13 year girls.

In surfing, one contestant competed with a broken board.  Did you even know one could break a surfboard?  I sure as hell didn't.

Onward Olympics!

Monday, July 26, 2021

1, 2, 3 - The three scents of rain

#1  A  sudden feeling of heaviness surrounding the air around you  - a different kind of breeze - sweet somehow.

#2  It's the middle of the true rain (not that memos are issued to let us know it's okay to driver over to the store)  The scent is heavier though - I think it's the ozone now being emitted as the storm mounts and intensifies.  

#3  The  storm ends - at least on your street.  Small  pearl-sized rain drops cruise past the window or the screened-in Florida Room.  

                                    And now the scent of the rain has vanished.


Friday, July 23, 2021

A Birthday Today

Monica Lewinsky is 48.  

Doesn't it feel like just yesterday she was tiredly raising herself from her kneeling position and easing her kneepads gently off as the 42nd  United States President  chuckled happily as he exited the little room he stood in and continued on through the doorway into the Oval Office?  

A thoughtful reader wrote "Surely Monica is old enough now to admit her false claim.  Bill stated that he did not have sexual relations with that woman. 

Thursday, July 22, 2021

The Absurdity of Lingual Over Use.

I'm referring to the  extreme  overuse of "racist!"  Example - My cousin in Indiana reported that he heard  about this interchange between a male customer and a female server. The customer asked for a dollop of whipped cream on top of his coffee, please and she said, "O that's racist!!'  and turned to her various urns and hissing machines and huffed away.  This interchange befuddled both my cousin and me.

How about this?  Eating Oreo cookies means you are a racist!

Then all of a sudden the word that shamed and horrified was no longer in much use.  I (and my cousin) were happy.  But no less mystified.

Be careful what you wish for was rarely truer.  And what's the new blame-it catch phrase?  "Climate Change."

I expect to hear things like - your toilet's tank is empty because Las Vegas gets all of the water in their vast pools  and don't overlook the Mirage fountains .

The power outages are a result of all the lights used in   Las Vegas signs. . Astronauts have remarked on the beauty from space  

Stay home and play board games with the family    If you just have to have money, I recommend" Left Right Center."  You'll need $3 in quarters in your bank but  that cuts your losses in Vegas very easily.  $3 being the max you can loose@   And by staying at home you are saving our planet for our precious chilllldren!

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Did You Know?

 That there was a man on the moon - 1969   before  wheeled luggage was patented in 1974?

Who knew?  

And that the bag design firms would go so wild for them because people fell in love with them?


Thanks, Jay!

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Kids Re-Visited

 If you're old enough you might remember this TV program.  "Kids Say the Darnd'est Things' featuring Art Linkletter.  boredpanda.com has upgraded this old show (probably because it turned out some hilarious moments) using more modern items.  

See if any of these bring  a smile.

Kleenex - "Bless you box"

Car sunroof - " Sky Window"

Trampoline - "Jumpoline"

Empire State Building - "Vampire State Building"  hmm

Deodorant  -"Armpit Makeup"

Dandelions  - "Wish Flowers"

Eggs - "Butt Fruit"  You gonna  join me in never eating another egg in your life" 

Movie Concession Stand - "Confession Stand"  A lot depends on the movie

Gloves - "Finger mittens"             I remember the German for mittens - hand shoes.

 

Monday, July 19, 2021

Royals Are So Tight That ..

If you gave them a nickel they would squeeze it until the buffalo pooped.  

Royals don't carry cash; Princess Margarete didn't even have a credit card.  She does get cash by taking gifts - how you ask?  One gift was a gift basket that was so big it took two people to carry it into Her Presence.  Boxing Day she and a Lady-in- Waiting hied themselves over to Crabtree and Evelyn and returned it for cash!  The manager said it was against store policy but she wouldn't budge and left licking her chops in glee and counting the money.

One of Prince Charles valets had to load his solid silver toothbrush with the toothpaste every night.  He traveled with a stuffed teddy bear,  Once he forgot it so one of the Queens Flight planes had to turn the plane around and go get it.

The Queen once gave her laundry lady a big basked of clothes pins - her idea of a practical gift.

Another time one of her corgis killed a rabbit and the Queen, handed it to her chef and  said, "Oh good, we can eat this!"

One year she gave all of her staff members potted chrysanthemums with instructions:  when the flowers die return the pot to the head gardener.  The populace approved of one of her water-saving ways.  Every bathroom in Buckingham Palace warned ""Don't pull for a pee."  Reminded me of the old hippie adage:  "If it's brown, flush it down; if it's yellow, let it mellow."  She couldn't have  or did she .. 


Sunday, July 18, 2021

Get Dressed!

 Today is International Ice Cream Day and you might want to calendar it for next year.  July, 18th.

Why all of the agitation?  Many purveyors are giving away free cones!  So put down the Sunday paper; get dressed and git goin'! Your cone awaits!

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Thanks But We Don't Want It

 July 17, 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.  At the time of this donation, it must have seemed like a good idea but today, I'm wondering, given today's world of masks and Covid 19 vaccinations what the protocol might be for the Return of a State Freely Given .  Florida rates of Covid are rising when most States are reporting fewer bad numbers.  

A number of these rising numbers of infection could be due to the Governor of Florida NOT making the hordes of Spring Break visitors wear masks and keep their distance.  Photos of beach goers, crammed in   together on the sand are chilling to see.  

To see just how crazy the residents can be read the novels of Edna Buchanan or Carl Hiaasen.  Guy fixes a missing arm by attaching a weed whacker as a replacement in a Hiaasen novel.  Buchanan's heroine is a crime reporter for the major Miami newspaper.   They're great reads, summer or not.  

Friday, July 16, 2021

"O darling - it's all so expensive."  

"But the public demands it"

"Humph - I think if the public found out exactly how expensive, there'd be a repeat of Bastille Day, only in England."

Princess Margaret gets married.  The blushing groom Antony Armstrong-Jones was well known to be homosexual.  It was said of him, "He doesn't know if he's Arthur or Martha."  His best man was so flagrantly gay that he was relieved of his duties and a substitute moved into his place.

The wedding itself cost $78,000 and hoping for a glimpse of Margarite's procession in a glass coach drew 100,000 with  100 horses as escorts.

People might have thought they were economizing by honeymooning on the Britannia, the Royal Family yacht, but this is economizing to a Royal?  The 44 day honeymoon at $30,000 PER DAY?  Margarite might have told Tony, "Let me take you on a sea cruise!"

When they returned from  this particular extravaganza they discovered they had a new home - a 10-room apartment in Kensington Palace.  And a willing public who allowed them $180,000 to refurbish it.  Meanwhile her State Allowance ran up from $18,00 to $45,000

Of note :  a reliable source (not me) claims that they liked to wear each other's clothes and take pictures of the new outfits.  On themselves.  Can you imagine what those pictures might be worth today?


Royal Treats

"The Bodyguard's Story," Diana, the Crash and the Sole Survivor by Trevor Rees-Jones

"A Royal Duty" by Paul Burrell Butler to Princess Diana's Butler

"The Queen & Di," the untold story

To give you a major tidbit from Kitty Kelleys' book "The Royals."  Both Queen Elizbeth and her younger sister (by 4 years) were the products of artificial insemination.  A duchess averred that George VI had " something about his willy," but didn't elaborate.




Wednesday, July 14, 2021

My Dad's Gift.

 When I was in the 8th grade, every one of us had to take ballroom dancing.  Classes were held one night a week.  The dance academy ball room was located in a big room over a bar.  My Dad, having done his stint as chauffeur, decided that was worth a beer down below and, having dutifully delivered me to the instructor, sallied forth below deck for a cold one.

Upstairs we plodded - you couldn't call it dancing by any stretch - around the scarred and nicked floor.    All of us were watching our feet and it wasn't until I noticed Daddy sitting  against the far wall.  He wasn't  alone; there was a stranger sitting next to him bellowing at peak volume some gibberish about WW1.  Daddy looked amused and when I happened to look up both Daddy and and the deranged man were gone.  Daddy was back shortly.

Driving home, "Daddy, who was that guy?"

"Dunno, Toots, but he thought he knew me.  You'll learn but if I'm in a room with 50 people the only crazy one will march right up to me just like he was one of my best friends."

What do you do, Daddy?"

"I'll tell you what to do - run!"

Now cut to a wonderful dive bar that had a name change from The Poop Deck to The Deck. The fa├žade

consists of two huge tinted picture windows and the entrance door.  Few things are better entertainment  than sitting on one of the stools and watching the endless parade of half dressed people skate boarding, or bicycle  riding .  Extensive plastic surgery would be mandatory if one of them fell.

We finally got window seating for the three of us - Dee being #3 of our party.  Watching with great interest out the window,  playing our own little game of "Find Dee a wife!" where-in I point out young lovelies and Dee shoot's em' down. 

Next thing I knew I felt a pair of warm arms hugging me from behind!  I whipped around on my bar stool and there stood a woman of a certain age, beaming at me.  She said, "I just have to hug people!"  "Not me, you don't - back the eff up."  I thought and stepped a step closer

I looked frantically at Richie and Dee, but they were busy laughing at me and of no use whatsoever. My look changed from imploring to slit-eyed hostile.  Meanwhile the lady had been rattling along to me and I didn't hear a word.  Until she pointed out a man further into the room.  She confided, "That's my husband - he was diagnosed stage 4 prostatitis.  "Scam on the horizon" and slithered off to the ladies room.  When I came back  she was gone and I was glad.



Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Tid Bits

 I noted in todays' paper (7/13/21)  that Johnny Gilbert, the long-time  Jeopardy! announcer is (presumably) celebrating his 93 birthday  today now  ponder this:  93 and still working! 

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This requires a little visualizing (it's a cartoon.)  Several cats are waiting in line according to a sign to buy $1 tickets to Ride a Roomba! with a happy cat doing just that in the background.  

source  boredpanda.com 

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We had a brief but loud rain storm this morning, and we've been in a drought so long that our cat Fred didn't remember the sound of rain on the skylight and went haring down the stairs at warp speed.  

New Holiday!  

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on Tuesday  7-17  There may be Free French Fries in your future

A French restaurant in Manhattan has a Special deal - 

$200 for an order of their celebratory meal French Fries.  I vaguely remember something about summer truffles from Italy  as well as 24l edible gold  nd the meat is marinated in champagne

                      



Monday, July 12, 2021

Whip me with chains - Slap me silly with a crispy lobster taco

Dee found a new restaurant on the Hermosa Beach Plaza.  He hadn't been in but said the menu looked promising.  That was all we needed to hear and promptly agreed on a  date for lunch  which was last Friday.

Lots of outdoor dining but it was  sunny day and it was pretty hot and so we elected to stay inside where it was dim and shadowy.  We were led into the dining/ bar area  and heaved our collective butts onto  to banquet seats. Our menus were substantial with long pages and small print.  We had to sip a Pacifico ( didn't have Maderno while pondered the menu. 

Of special credit for this (which you can do at home with minimal effort. )  Even though they bill themselves a Mexican place to our horror there were no chips and salsa.  A special keep it hot container held warmed tortillas well coated with honey butter.  Damn they were good!  A little pot of honey butter had refills.

Pretend this is from the menu (it includes prices.)

No meat Caesar  $11

Rib Enchilada Relleno  S16

Taqueria Langosta  $25.25

Taqueria Filet $13.50 

All of the food was very good.  We'd go back.

$33 in adult beverages - four Pacificos.

Palmilla Cocina y Tequila   .

The title above is a reference to the decor-  arches in doorways had long stretches  of a steel-colored chain in varying lengths.  Lobster tacos were generous with the lobster., a rarity.


Thursday, July 8, 2021

Two Very Different Men




Talking about Joe Biden and the late Prince Philip by Ingrid Seward who has made a cottage industry of researching, Royals, one by one and then cranking out a book about them. 

After a little researching of my own, I discovered that in the Biden book - entitled "Joe Biden, The Life" The Run " What Matters Now" by Evan Osnos Winner of the National Book Award

It's a short book (176 pages$23)

I learned that Joe Biden had surgery for an aneurism of the brain, discovered while on the campaign trail in Rochester, NY in 1988.   Surgery saved his life but it was a long recovery process.  Perhaps that's what gives rise to all of the dementia rumors, tales today?


Some Ingrid Seward volumes :  "Prince Philp Revealed"  A much meatier book - 374 pages  $30 

"Diana: An Intimate Portrait." 

"By Royal Invitation:  At home with the royal family - how they eat,  sleep (presumably with their mate, if any".   But then I think of Charles and Camilla - not so much maybe.

Other volumes cover how to look like a royal but not be one.  Show-off at the dinner table with  proper place settings "Fish fork 5 in. closer to the butter knife...  Various glasses, champagne flutes before the red wine."

Astute readers here may pick up on Seward's main theme in all of her books - curiosity about their  life styles.  It's as though the commoners want to peek behind the curtain.  I'm certainly one and I make no bones about it.  Consider this:  Queen Elizabeth travels with a white kidskin toilet seat.  Is there a Lady of the Toilet Seat?  And Noble Women who vie for it?  God save us all  along with the Queen.

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

Summer Snack from Italy

We "liberated" this from an Italian restaurant on PCH here in Redondo - Charlie's a NY Joint.  No idea what it's called in Italian, but stick your little plate out anyhow.  You'll need a melon of your choice, a quarter lb. of Prosciutto, a splash of good olive oil and a (singular) grind of sea salt.  

Cut the melon into cubes or slices, arrange prettily for guests; slurp it over the sink if it's just you. Over ripe melons are very juicy.   The sink rinses; an outfit has to go in the washing.


Side bar:  I keep seeing AITA in remarks from English writers and finally shifted my languid ass and found out:  it's  Am I the Asshole.

Monday, July 5, 2021

The Development of a Terminal Smart Mouth

I wrote what follows when I was 29. At that time 1969, it was fashionable among the intelligentsia to write  little essays and give it to the other guy as an amusement.  They returned this dubious Gift. Here is a sample:  I have no idea whatsoever who Mr. Ferree is or was.  None.


Dear Roger and Audrey - 

Thanks so much for your kind invitation to join you both on New Year's Eve, but unfortunately I am attending a right wing "Fuck Communism" party at that same time in Orange County.

We have been promised that a direct descendent of Betsy Ross and her Lesbian lover, Carry Nation, will be there to ferret out any Commie rats that might want to corrupt this sacred red, white and blue gathering.

Although you know my love of Scotch, we plan to drink only good American Bourbon and make love dog style so we can salute the flag on the "stroke" of midnight.


Should you decide to give up your gathering and join ours, it is being held at the American Legion Hall and I will be wearing all of my medals.  Again, thank you for your kind thoughts and I wish you the best for the New Year

                                                                      Yours in God and for a  beautiful  America


                                                                       William Ferree


 

                                                  


Sunday, July 4, 2021

News But NotParticularly OMG! Newsy

Every day our local paper runs a list of famous people whose birthday it is and not infrequently I find myself saying saying to Richie, "OMG it's (insert famous person's name)  birthday and I thought they were dead!"   Just as frequently he just looks at me. Married people know this look well.

Today In History is the column that runs next to the birthdays.  

Today's Birthdays

When I remembered that today's b-days were born on the 4th of July, an auspicious date if there ever was one, I instantly thought of "Born on the 4th of July" sung by Bruce Springsteen

Eva Marie Saint - 97

Gina  Lollobrigida  - 94

Eva Marie looks good - great bones hold up saggy muscle and skin.  Lived with less aggro - she married a Jeffrey Hadyn in 1951 and that marriage flourished until he died on Christmas Eve, in 2016.

Gina was said to be the wealthiest actress in Italy.   She, too, married once as well, Mr. Milko Skofic in 1949 until 1971.

Today in History  

July 4th, 1826 the day the Declaration of Independence was adopted both John Adams (90) and Thomas Jefferson (82)  died - five hours apart.  It is claimed that Adam said, (croaked from his deathbed?) "Jefferson lives."  But he didn't having died five hours earlier.   

Daniel Webster chimed in writing "Our patriots have fallen but at such an age with such coincidence that we cannot lament the end has come which we knew would not be long."

.

Saturday, July 3, 2021

Love Freebies?

Here's  an idea.  Yesterday was our 37th wedding anniversary and we celebrated with dinner at the Charthouse right on the sand in Redondo Beach.  

And then I got my bright idea/newest scam.  It might get you a free dessert - ours was a slab of chocolate Lava Cake.  So it works at least once.  

Bring along a picture of your wedding or other grand event -newborn or graduate or sports trophy or significant event in your life.  I do think though that an open coffin shot wouldn't be appropriate on a dinner table. 

I told our server that this would be a good promotion for the restaurant - "Celebrating an anniversary?  Bring in a picture for a free drink! (you don't need to mention that this free drink will be water)

After I told Jean  our server my great idea, she disappeared from our table, but two  minutes later was back with a water for each of us.  HIP? or WHAT?  20% tip - bet to it.

Friday, July 2, 2021

What a Difference!

 ModerNA  vs. ModeLO

One is an excellent Mexican beer; the other is an anti-virus shot

ModeLO- 4.5%  ABV with 143 calories per can and a taste of orange blossom (lovely soft flavor) honey and a hint of herbs   Available at Wal-Mart, Target, Ralph's Supermarket  

ModerNA - the anti Covid19 shot which side effects include the possibly of pain and redness in the shot site.  "ModerNA may or may not give you "Moderna Arm" - a rash.  Or possibly flu symptoms.  

I'd rather have a beer - how about you?



Thursday, July 1, 2021

Eight Laws of the Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair:  After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity:  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw when dropped will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

Law of Random Numbers:  If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (coming back from Ensenada)

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone rings.  True of the shower, too. 

Law of Close Encounters:  the probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with  someone you don't want to be seen with.

The Law of the Result:  When you try to prove to someone won't work - IT WILL.


Thank you, Jay for these wonderful Simpsonisms.