Saturday, November 11, 2017

Help for the Hapless

The gutters all across America are filled and overflowing and not with rain.  Story after story peeks out of the morass that is "Hollywood" and, of course, politics.  Where would we be for entertainment if both were shut down?  (pause for a quiet "Farewell, Kevin Spacy, Louis CK, the Moore guy running for office.") 

Even every-day males without any connections to show business or politics are now unsure of themselves when addressing women.  At Thurs. Writers two of the guys were discussing this matter with real fear in their voices.  They more or less agreed with some enthusiasm that the best policy is to say nothing to any woman who is not your wife.  Smile and nod at the comely supermarket clerk (if you can find any) and keep your hands above her counter at all costs. 

I thought then as I do now that that was sad.  So - never content to sit back on my hands when I could be fomenting revolt, revenge and apocalyptic punishments for the Happy Handed, it occurred to me that if these sex-mad bozos had a good enough (note: enough) pick-up line they could offer the woman a little more choice in the matter and everyone could be happy.   Except, of course, the lawyers handling sexual malfeasance suits, but lawyers are only happy after a kill so let's not worry about them.  At the moment, the US population of NON-lawyers is still ahead. 

Where was I?  Ah, yes, pick-up lines.  Our good friends at had some suggestions which, in the emergence of this sad situation, are time to liberate a select few of them from a quiet life on a Website.  Let us tarry no longer -

You're more beautiful than  100 pink flamingoes on a golf course.  (Mouton, take note)

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do you want me to walk by again?

Do you have a pencil?  I want to erase your past and write our future.

Roses are red; bananas are yellow - would you like to go out with a nice little fellow?

You look much prettier in real life than you do through my telescope, neighbor!

Just say yes now and I won't have to spike your drink.

Stand back - I'm a doctor!  Get an ambulance and I'll loosen her clothing ("Raffish" take note)

Playing "Doctor" is for kids - let's play ob/gyn! ("Raffish")

I just got out of Alcatraz - can I steal you a drink?  Mercedes? 

Can I domesticate you?

And for all of the Hollywood producers and actors, all of the fat, ugly politicians, this one's for you, dudes - I may not be the best looking here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

No comments: