Talkin' Texas

Reader's Digest runs a regular column called "Toward More Picturesque Speech" but I propose a simple trip to Texas to become the most colorful sumbitch in your circle of friends and strangers.

I am lucky enough to have more than several relatives in South Texas.  Every one of them is a delight to listen to as most of Texas clearly wants to entertain any passing non-natives.

Some samples gleaned from various sources such as Texas Monthly,  Dan Jenkins (my late grammar instructor)  who gave us such, "Got a problem? "Money whip it!"  To shapely adorables of dubious morality - "Fifties and hundreds over here!"  "Bangin' her like a screen door in a twister."

Describing terrorists "...Or some other pack of off-brand foreigners who dress silly."  Describing a Board of Directors as in "I was surrounded by bobble-head dolls."  

Random Selection:

Texas has four seasons:  Flood, Drought, Blizzard, Twister.

Hotter than a stolen tamale

So foggy that the birds are walking.

Shy as a mail order bride

So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Useless as an ash tray on a motorcycle

Re a pre-marital pregnancy:  They ate supper 'fore they said, "Grace."

Astute readers will notice that none of the above involve any vulgarity.  They are simply witty ways to describe most anything nicely but with some zip to it.