Monday, December 18, 2017

Push Is Coming To Shove; Let's Have a Laugh

The following author is Anonymous and I wish that credit could be given.  It purports to be correspondence between Santa and a boy named Timmy Jones.  If you know young master Timmy, please give him a thank you from me for his side of said correspondence.  And remind him that Santa's got his jive down in case Timmy was going to try a comeback this year.

Dear Santa -
How are you?  How is Mrs. Claus?  I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves is fine. 
  I have been a very good boy this year.  I would like an X-Box and an IPhone 10 for Christmas.  I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy -
Thank you for your letter.  Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.
  Santa is a little worried about all of the time you spend playing video games and texting.  Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.
  Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

Mr. Claus -
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you will see your way clear to granting me what I asked for.  I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.
  Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out only once a year is a bit ironic?
Respectfully, Timmy Jones

Mr.  Jones -
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services to be rendered.
  Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
  Please know, however, that my attorneys (plural) are on retainer and hungrier than a wolf in a chicken coop to perform for me.  They would be more than happy to take you on in open court.
  Incidentally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like a pepperoni and pineapple pizza most days.
 Very truly yours, Santa

Now look here, Fat Man -
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it.  I was trying to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
  Now you just be disrespectin' me.  I'ma bout to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass.  I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone and whatever else I want.  WHATEVER I WANT, FAT MAN!

Listen, Pizza Face -
Seriously??? You think that a dude that breaks into every house in the world in one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang-banger wanna be?
  "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake"... sound familiar, genius?
  You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal?  I got your shit wired, Jack.
    I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Cheetos all over the astroturf in your Mom's basement.
  You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mudhole in your ass and then walk it dry.  Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa -
Bring me whatever you see fit.  I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy -
That's what I thought, you little bastard.
And it's Mr. Claus to you.

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