The Tin Trumpet and the Tone-Deaf Playuh

Once upon a time, in a land named "The United Silliness of America the Absurd" there lived a beefy braggart self-named "The Prince of New York." He built many, many shiny condomiums and apartment buildings at a time when no reputable construction firm would work in Manhattan because of the Dread, Stinging Mafia.

And at this same time in history, The United Silliness of America had a president who had begun campaigning two years before we could even vote and has been in office for a year and change. All during this period of time, many people whispered that he wasn't a citizen; he was born in Kenya, not Hawaii. And the president said nothing.

And the people got angrier. "There is something wrong with a man who won't show us his birth certificate," they said. They formed groups and called themselves "Birthers." And the president still said nothing.

The Prince of New York heard the people muttering, measured their rage and thought, "There must be a way for me to profit from this situation ... if they knew about me, maybe these 'Birthers' might buy an apartment or take a vacation in Atlantic City."

So he thought and thought. "I will challenge him!" said The Prince, never loathe to appear in the media. So he did, loud and clear. He shouted it from the rooftops, he yelled about it in the subways. In fact, his presence was so loud that the president suddenly acquiesced.

To the amazement of everyone involved, his White House handed out copies of his birth certificate. The Prince of New York was so pleased with himself that he nearly broke his elbow patting himself on the back.

The president made a statement that it was high time for all of us concentrate on the important things and not the silliness of a buffoon like The Prince of New York. He said, "You have better things to do; I have better things to do." And with that he was helicoptered to Andrews AFB and his waiting 747 for the ride to Chicago and an appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show."

There he laughed and joked about the situation with a woman many US citizens consider, if not God, then one of His very close relatives. Beaming warmly, he then flew on to Manhattan to make three separate campaign appearances, timing his landing for evening rush hour for maximum impact.

And in New York, the Prince washed his meaty fists together in glee. Now he could challenge him about his grades from kindergarten through college on his very own turf! "Yessss," he breathed, slightly dislodging his careful comb-over, "You can be fired!"