Clinton Kelly On Womens' Clothes

"Oh No - She Didn't" by Clinton Kelly Gallery Books 201 pages $25.99

Kelly is a cohost on TLC's "What Not to Wear," a spokesperson for Macy's and a former editor at Marie Claire and Mademoiselle.

He is also acerbically funny and covers such as Muffin Tops: "Let's forgo the euphemisms and call it what it really is: a roll of fat hanging over the top of your pants." He recommends buying the next bigger-sized pants and taking them to the tailor.

In fact, as I read through this book I began to wonder if he's also a spokesperson for the Tailor's Union (if one exists) because he recommends using one about every other gasp of indignation.

This was an unexpected tidbit - speaking of muffin tops -- all men have a slight (or major) fat pocket right above and behind the hip bones. Ladies, if you casually touch him on it he will have one of two reactions: If there's no reaction at all, he's straight. If he flinches, winces or jumps like he just got poked by a cattle prod, he's gay.

Some couples like to wear matching shirts or theme sweaters (reindeer comes to mind) but Kelly says that any heterosexual American man willing to wear identical clothing is probably a serial killer. Your Christmas photo (see reindeer sweaters above) may go on many blogs with the caption "When cousins marry."

Basically, Kelly is for a tailored, understated classic look. Which rules out low-riding pants that show your tramp stamp or thong when you bend over or too much cleavage/too short a skirt in a business office unless your place of business is a street corner in a distressed neighborhood.

Some random chapter subjects... Sweatshirts and their evil cousins, hoodies. Tiny logo bags say that this is the best you can do (smallest-sized purse in a majorlyly expensive line) so don't buy one. Spend that same amount and get a non-label bag that looks good. Platform flip-flops -- he may rip them off of you and make you go barefoot. Misguided belts - Michelle Obama is a prime bad example. If it gets a stain that won't come out? Adios, toss it. Black pants and white shirts scream "Waitress, I'd like a glass of Pinot Grigio with my entree."

If you're feeling bitchy and have no one to take it out on, check out this book. Your good humor will bubble up like, well, like a muffin top!