I have a cousin in Indiana and he is our guest editor today. He came back from the dead, just for us.
"This actually happened to me! Yesterday I had an appointment with my family physician at 4:40 in the afternoon. When I entered the office, the staff was extremely courteous and helpful, not completely unusual, but it seemed a bit overdone.
When I finally saw the doctor, he said, "We are so glad to see you! We thought you were dead!"
I was dumbfounded and asked why they thought that? He then showed me an e-fax on his computer from a hospital in our city. The fax was advising me that I was pronounced expired at that hospital's ER on 9/26/14 as a result of cardiac arrest, suffered while walking in a park.
All of the information on the form was MY medical info. My doctor said that he had felt devastated when he first read the fax because he had just told me a month ago that I was in "perfect health." He said he thought, "How am going to explain to his wife that I misdiagnosed her husband's situation?"
The entire staff then expressed their relief at learning that I had not really passed.
I told them that the person who died on 9/26/14 was a cousin of mine and that apparently the hospital got the information crossed up.
His office was going to try to get it straightened out for me, but he suggested I follow up quickly.
After telling my wife of this fiasco, we were watching "Jeopardy" when we saw the final category was titled "Faux-bits" Trebek explained it focused on people whose deaths had been falsely reported. We laughed uproariously, and the one liners that followed were hilarious.
As it currently stands, hospital records say I am deceased so I must be a zombie. My first concern is to resurrect my existence so maybe my first appointment should be with Dr. Frankenstein.
As Samuel Clemons said, "The report of my death was an exaggeration."
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Underpants - Pro or Con
This will not be a dissertation on the necessity of wearing some. The Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohans of this world can duke that out. Have at it, ladies.
No, we're going over to France. Some time ago, I reviewed a sort of "how to be as cool as French women" book and learned that French women spend serious money on lacy bits of lingerie. The premise was that while no one but her spouse or lover will ever see them, but knowing she could hop into bed, dressed for a successful seduction gives her confidence. None of this "Mais non!" Or waving the EMTs away due to an unhappy choice while dressing that morning.
No, what brought me two new underpants was a set of circumstances. Back in November, my sister e'd me an exultant note about her new leopard-print vest.
I e'd back, asking if she had taken a job as a croupier or drinks girl at a Las Vegas hotel?
Indignantly, she said "No!" and proceeded to lecture me on how "hot" they were.
Undismayed, I e'd back that vests were tacky in the extreme and faux leopard was a major insult to leopards all over the world. We both hissed off .
But by Christmas present shopping time, I'd figured out my retaliation and charged into Victoria's Secret for animal-print "Cheekies" as a rather pointed reminder that animal prints are only fit for underwear. I found three pairs. One had a lion's snarling head on the front; clearly something of a detriment to romance.
At the cashier's desk I was informed that Cheekies were on sale; five for whatever amount of money. Having exhausted their supply of animal prints, I bought the other two for myself.
.
I chose a pair in Day-Glo orange and another in Day Glo periwinkle blue. Consisting mostly of elastic lace, both pairs would fit handily in that little envelope you get to RSVP a wedding invitation.
And they lingered in my underwear drawer until last Sunday when I donned the orange ones, after having some trouble figuring out the back from the front. I was debuting new navy dress at Ports (O Call) and the champagne brunch.
Walking out to the car to leave I did not feel particularly "confident." In fact, rather the reverse because they were crawling up my body. The urge to reach back and yank them down was almost irresistible, but I didn't. But my first stop was the ladies room.
By the time sufficient champagne had been imbibed I was impervious to them. Cheekies all around! and held my flute out for more.
My sister never remarked on her new lingerie but I had to tell her that the leopard print bedroom slippers she'd sent me were too small.
No, we're going over to France. Some time ago, I reviewed a sort of "how to be as cool as French women" book and learned that French women spend serious money on lacy bits of lingerie. The premise was that while no one but her spouse or lover will ever see them, but knowing she could hop into bed, dressed for a successful seduction gives her confidence. None of this "Mais non!" Or waving the EMTs away due to an unhappy choice while dressing that morning.
No, what brought me two new underpants was a set of circumstances. Back in November, my sister e'd me an exultant note about her new leopard-print vest.
I e'd back, asking if she had taken a job as a croupier or drinks girl at a Las Vegas hotel?
Indignantly, she said "No!" and proceeded to lecture me on how "hot" they were.
Undismayed, I e'd back that vests were tacky in the extreme and faux leopard was a major insult to leopards all over the world. We both hissed off .
But by Christmas present shopping time, I'd figured out my retaliation and charged into Victoria's Secret for animal-print "Cheekies" as a rather pointed reminder that animal prints are only fit for underwear. I found three pairs. One had a lion's snarling head on the front; clearly something of a detriment to romance.
At the cashier's desk I was informed that Cheekies were on sale; five for whatever amount of money. Having exhausted their supply of animal prints, I bought the other two for myself.
.
I chose a pair in Day-Glo orange and another in Day Glo periwinkle blue. Consisting mostly of elastic lace, both pairs would fit handily in that little envelope you get to RSVP a wedding invitation.
And they lingered in my underwear drawer until last Sunday when I donned the orange ones, after having some trouble figuring out the back from the front. I was debuting new navy dress at Ports (O Call) and the champagne brunch.
Walking out to the car to leave I did not feel particularly "confident." In fact, rather the reverse because they were crawling up my body. The urge to reach back and yank them down was almost irresistible, but I didn't. But my first stop was the ladies room.
By the time sufficient champagne had been imbibed I was impervious to them. Cheekies all around! and held my flute out for more.
My sister never remarked on her new lingerie but I had to tell her that the leopard print bedroom slippers she'd sent me were too small.
Monday, October 6, 2014
$297 For A Plane Ticket to Nowhere?!
Your ticket is just a chance to return to the fun days of flying; when passengers dressed up to fly and stewards - male and female - were not only courteous but friendly enough to go a little bit out of their way to ensure that a passenger had everything needed for a pleasant flight. I still remember the well-stocked newspapers and magazines cart.
Today, if you didn't bring a newspaper, magazine or book, you're coldly told, "Shoulda got one in the terminal."
"Yes, well, nostalgia is all very nice, but where are you going with this?"
A man named Anthony Toth has spent the last 20 years putting together an authentic copy of a 1970s Pan Am 747 cockpit and cabin space - First and Main. He kept running out of space and has finally moved in recently to a hangar in Pacoima in partnership with Air Hollywood, a firm that specializes in renting plane equipment to the industry.
Today the firm is up and running and the meticulous attention to detail is now earning its keep.
"Passengers" are greeted by uniformed ($1,000 per uniform ) Pan Am crew and ushered on to the "plane." Everything is authentic (and once flew) from the linen napkins, glassware and plates.
It's $267 for a seat in the main cabin and $297 to ride in the lounge up top. Cocktails, a five-course dinner (rumors of Russian caviar alert!) and socializing afterward. Included in the ticket prices is a tour of the facility which houses the cabin from the 2011 film "Bridesmaids" and the cockpit from the 1980 classic, "Airplane."
In this case, photos really can do more than words. Visit airhollywood.com for a preview of the non-flight to nowhere.
Today, if you didn't bring a newspaper, magazine or book, you're coldly told, "Shoulda got one in the terminal."
"Yes, well, nostalgia is all very nice, but where are you going with this?"
A man named Anthony Toth has spent the last 20 years putting together an authentic copy of a 1970s Pan Am 747 cockpit and cabin space - First and Main. He kept running out of space and has finally moved in recently to a hangar in Pacoima in partnership with Air Hollywood, a firm that specializes in renting plane equipment to the industry.
Today the firm is up and running and the meticulous attention to detail is now earning its keep.
"Passengers" are greeted by uniformed ($1,000 per uniform ) Pan Am crew and ushered on to the "plane." Everything is authentic (and once flew) from the linen napkins, glassware and plates.
It's $267 for a seat in the main cabin and $297 to ride in the lounge up top. Cocktails, a five-course dinner (rumors of Russian caviar alert!) and socializing afterward. Included in the ticket prices is a tour of the facility which houses the cabin from the 2011 film "Bridesmaids" and the cockpit from the 1980 classic, "Airplane."
In this case, photos really can do more than words. Visit airhollywood.com for a preview of the non-flight to nowhere.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
"Will Marry for Jewelry" - Who Said That?
It would be Elizabeth Taylor. Of her eight marriages, her final score was six whales and two goldfish equivalents - Michael Wilding and Larry Fortensky - neither off whom was able to support themselves, let alone Liz.
She began a long career in wheeling, cajoling and blackmailing for expensive jewelry from them all by marrying Nicky Hilton when she was only 18 years old. She netted a five carat engagement ring and a $10,000 wedding ring as well as pearl and diamond earrings. Nicky's father, Conrad, was so thrilled at the marriage that he gave her 100 shares of Hilton stock ($1,350) but 30 years later it was worth $150,000.
Elizabeth never accepted a "No" answer and when it was Michael Wilding's turn in the barrel, she went out and bought herself a sapphire and diamond ring and loudly told all that it was an engagement ring from him! With pressure like that ...
Wilding rarely had work so she paid for everything. And then she met Mike Todd and the payday went proportionately higher. She was 24 and he 52. He bought her a 29.7 carat diamond ring, leased a plane (and then spent $5,000 to install two phones in it.) He rented homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Springs and an estate in Westbury, CN. They had met on a Saturday and Todd gave her something every Saturday as an anniversary present. Alas, his days were numbered...
Next! Eddie Fisher slid into home plate. For her 27th birthday, he gave her an evening bag with 27 real diamonds on it. He took her to Dior, Paris, and bought her 10 Yves St Laurent dresses. He also bought a 13 room house with pool and tennis courts in Purchase, NY, land in Jamaica and paid $325,000 for a chalet in Gstaad.
And then came the biggest fish - Richard Burton. He paid $305,000 for the Krupp diamond, weighing in at 33.19 carats. It was said to most closely resemble an ice cube on her finger. He followed that up with the La Peregina, a famous pearl. He bought her a yacht ($192,000) and tossed $240,000 more in to decorate it. He bought a 10-passenger twin jet with kitchen, lounge and movie screen christened "The Elizabeth." And still the jewelry kept coming in.
And so did the paintings found in her budding art collection. Here's a drool for you - Picasso, Utrillo, Degas, Monet, Pissarro, Renoir, Mary Cassatt, Modigliani and Van Gogh.
(sigh) They don't make gold diggers like they used to and it's a shame.
She began a long career in wheeling, cajoling and blackmailing for expensive jewelry from them all by marrying Nicky Hilton when she was only 18 years old. She netted a five carat engagement ring and a $10,000 wedding ring as well as pearl and diamond earrings. Nicky's father, Conrad, was so thrilled at the marriage that he gave her 100 shares of Hilton stock ($1,350) but 30 years later it was worth $150,000.
Elizabeth never accepted a "No" answer and when it was Michael Wilding's turn in the barrel, she went out and bought herself a sapphire and diamond ring and loudly told all that it was an engagement ring from him! With pressure like that ...
Wilding rarely had work so she paid for everything. And then she met Mike Todd and the payday went proportionately higher. She was 24 and he 52. He bought her a 29.7 carat diamond ring, leased a plane (and then spent $5,000 to install two phones in it.) He rented homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Springs and an estate in Westbury, CN. They had met on a Saturday and Todd gave her something every Saturday as an anniversary present. Alas, his days were numbered...
Next! Eddie Fisher slid into home plate. For her 27th birthday, he gave her an evening bag with 27 real diamonds on it. He took her to Dior, Paris, and bought her 10 Yves St Laurent dresses. He also bought a 13 room house with pool and tennis courts in Purchase, NY, land in Jamaica and paid $325,000 for a chalet in Gstaad.
And then came the biggest fish - Richard Burton. He paid $305,000 for the Krupp diamond, weighing in at 33.19 carats. It was said to most closely resemble an ice cube on her finger. He followed that up with the La Peregina, a famous pearl. He bought her a yacht ($192,000) and tossed $240,000 more in to decorate it. He bought a 10-passenger twin jet with kitchen, lounge and movie screen christened "The Elizabeth." And still the jewelry kept coming in.
And so did the paintings found in her budding art collection. Here's a drool for you - Picasso, Utrillo, Degas, Monet, Pissarro, Renoir, Mary Cassatt, Modigliani and Van Gogh.
(sigh) They don't make gold diggers like they used to and it's a shame.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Close Enough for Horseshoes or a Grenade
Once upon a time, a long time ago, we had a neighborhood Italian restaurant that we enjoyed very much. With the fullness of time though, the owners gave up on (presumably) running in the red. They ran out of money and, I think, heart, too.
But one dish they served was delicious and, worse still, no other Italian restaurant served it. I am talking about Pasta Ameritriciana a luscious combination of: cooked pancetta, a garlic-y cream sauce, mushrooms and a dash of peas served on the pasta of your choice. .
Over the years, I've searched for a recipe and never found one. It is more than likely that I am misspelling the name and it's out there under it's true name.
Last night I tried again.
Baby Bella mushrooms, sliced, and sautéed in olive oil. I tossed in the previously cooked pancetta to warm up and poured Alfredo sauce over both in the pan. Meanwhile I cooked linguini and at the last minute, tossed in a handful of frozen peas with the linguini.
When the pasta was cooked and drained, I tossed it in the sauce and served it.
Even Richie liked it and he doesn't like "white" pasta sauces. I think it's good enough to qualify as a "company" dish. Meaning that I would serve it to them. There a bunch of other culinary delights around here that don't stand a chance of elevation ...
But one dish they served was delicious and, worse still, no other Italian restaurant served it. I am talking about Pasta Ameritriciana a luscious combination of: cooked pancetta, a garlic-y cream sauce, mushrooms and a dash of peas served on the pasta of your choice. .
Over the years, I've searched for a recipe and never found one. It is more than likely that I am misspelling the name and it's out there under it's true name.
Last night I tried again.
Baby Bella mushrooms, sliced, and sautéed in olive oil. I tossed in the previously cooked pancetta to warm up and poured Alfredo sauce over both in the pan. Meanwhile I cooked linguini and at the last minute, tossed in a handful of frozen peas with the linguini.
When the pasta was cooked and drained, I tossed it in the sauce and served it.
Even Richie liked it and he doesn't like "white" pasta sauces. I think it's good enough to qualify as a "company" dish. Meaning that I would serve it to them. There a bunch of other culinary delights around here that don't stand a chance of elevation ...
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Mayo Clinic On Ebola Avoidance
1. Stay out of Africa
2. Wash your hands frequently with soap and water or an alcohol "waterless" wipe.
Using soap and water -- wash while you sing two choruses of the "Happy Birthday" song to yourself (please.)
Carry alcohol wipes and here are some ideas for when to use them.
Wait until you've ordered and given the menu back to the server and THEN use the wipes. If you think about it, menus are, in their own way, filthy.
Discreetly wipe off the table area that your plate will sit upon with one if there is no table cloth.
At the gym. Go into the appropriate locker room, stow your stuff, use the bathroom, if necessary, and then wash your hands thoroughly. Post work out, wash your hands all over again and don't touch anything (bannisters, elevator buttons, door handles) until you are inside your car where your own germs are the only thing around. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone else to open the door or press the elevator button for me!" Use a fresh Kleenex and throw it away when you're done with it..
Bought yourself a boxed treat at the supermarket or farmer's market?
Packaged goods: open it and THEN wash your hands before you dig into it. Wash fresh fruits and vegetables.
Oh! One last warning. If you go to Africa anyhow, do not eat any bush meat. Bush meat is a wild animal that has been killed for food. Markets there often carry it.
2. Wash your hands frequently with soap and water or an alcohol "waterless" wipe.
Using soap and water -- wash while you sing two choruses of the "Happy Birthday" song to yourself (please.)
Carry alcohol wipes and here are some ideas for when to use them.
Wait until you've ordered and given the menu back to the server and THEN use the wipes. If you think about it, menus are, in their own way, filthy.
Discreetly wipe off the table area that your plate will sit upon with one if there is no table cloth.
At the gym. Go into the appropriate locker room, stow your stuff, use the bathroom, if necessary, and then wash your hands thoroughly. Post work out, wash your hands all over again and don't touch anything (bannisters, elevator buttons, door handles) until you are inside your car where your own germs are the only thing around. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone else to open the door or press the elevator button for me!" Use a fresh Kleenex and throw it away when you're done with it..
Bought yourself a boxed treat at the supermarket or farmer's market?
Packaged goods: open it and THEN wash your hands before you dig into it. Wash fresh fruits and vegetables.
Oh! One last warning. If you go to Africa anyhow, do not eat any bush meat. Bush meat is a wild animal that has been killed for food. Markets there often carry it.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Saving Money During Halloween
Don't buy your kid(s) costumes until the last minute because Halloween is strictly seasonal. Harry Potter was okay two years ago, but not today. The kid will want the very latest fad (dressing up like an iPhone 6?) Store owners and managers are all too well aware of this phenomenon and may mark-down all of their costume stock to 30 per cent off. Be there - wallet in hand.
Conversely, adult costumes can be used year after year. No one ever gets tired of a sexy French maid or Julius Caesar.
One of the best costumes already in your closet might be this: and it's for both sexes - work boots with white sock showing just above the boot top, khaki-colored shorts, a white t-shirt, a hardhat and a clipboard. Dressed like that you could probably walk right into the White House.
Oops, that's been done.
Conversely, adult costumes can be used year after year. No one ever gets tired of a sexy French maid or Julius Caesar.
One of the best costumes already in your closet might be this: and it's for both sexes - work boots with white sock showing just above the boot top, khaki-colored shorts, a white t-shirt, a hardhat and a clipboard. Dressed like that you could probably walk right into the White House.
Oops, that's been done.
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