"Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer Is Much Faster)" by Dave Barry G.P.Putnam's 225 pages $26.95
An absurdist (to me) is someone that can take ordinary items and quickly make you peal with laughter with their use/presentation in a sentence or paragraph. Example: Barry on women's bathing suits on Rio beaches - the size of eye patches for mice.
During a delve into why Americans hate soccer, he delivers the following:
"Despite the fact that nothing ever happens, the fans spend the entire game jumping up and down like prairie dogs on cocaine..."
The players are foreign and "They sport haircuts that were apparently administered by a blind heroin addict in the mens' room of a Bulgarian disco in 1978."
Still laughing? Me, too, and I had to type it! There is no shortage of Barry books to amuse you - I think this one is number 26 or 27. At the bookstore buy two - one to read now (such as this one) and one against a rainy winter day.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Would You Wish a Mother Like This On Your Own Worst Enemy?
"The Book of Joan" by Melissa Rivers Crown Archtype 284 pages $26
The title Joan is, of course, the late Joan Rivers. I and my colleagues (Crazy Suzanne, Louise the Tease, Patty the Lawyer, Don the Lawyer, My Brother George and the Georgia Peach) all had a nodding acquaintance with her back in the day when she was trying out new routines at the Little Club (? - a small theatre) across Beverly Drive from our clubhouse Maison Gerard.
We could only take short spells in the audience because the signature line she was using at the time irritated us greatly. She would pipe in a voice so high-pitched that bats flew away in terror, using a heavy New Yawk accent, "Kin we tawk?" about every 3.5 seconds. Wearing.
However she matured as most of the rest of us did and I became quite a fan. Comes now a book about her from the insider of all time - her daughter. Her dating advice to said daughter prompted my title.
Briefly:
Never pick up the check. You have the vagina, he has the wallet; he pays.
Let him open the door for you. If he doesn't and leaves you standing in the street, get a cab and go home. If he'll leave you in the street, he'll leave you for another woman.
Never carry condoms. That's his responsibility. You won't look like a Girl Scout but like a prostitute who's always at the Free Clinic.
A last tidbit of tender motherly advice? Pussy pulls the freight train.
The title Joan is, of course, the late Joan Rivers. I and my colleagues (Crazy Suzanne, Louise the Tease, Patty the Lawyer, Don the Lawyer, My Brother George and the Georgia Peach) all had a nodding acquaintance with her back in the day when she was trying out new routines at the Little Club (? - a small theatre) across Beverly Drive from our clubhouse Maison Gerard.
We could only take short spells in the audience because the signature line she was using at the time irritated us greatly. She would pipe in a voice so high-pitched that bats flew away in terror, using a heavy New Yawk accent, "Kin we tawk?" about every 3.5 seconds. Wearing.
However she matured as most of the rest of us did and I became quite a fan. Comes now a book about her from the insider of all time - her daughter. Her dating advice to said daughter prompted my title.
Briefly:
Never pick up the check. You have the vagina, he has the wallet; he pays.
Let him open the door for you. If he doesn't and leaves you standing in the street, get a cab and go home. If he'll leave you in the street, he'll leave you for another woman.
Never carry condoms. That's his responsibility. You won't look like a Girl Scout but like a prostitute who's always at the Free Clinic.
A last tidbit of tender motherly advice? Pussy pulls the freight train.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
"Fooding" - As If We Haven't Eaten Enough
Bon Appetit arrived yesterday and nothing really appealed other than their version of an Egg McMuffin which I re-christened:
The Bacon Grease Special
Cook bacon in a large skillet. Remove bacon and some of the bacon grease. Take a slice of bread and using a water glass (diameter your choice) press out a hole in the bread. Put the slice of bread in the bacon grease and start it browning. Carefully break an egg into the hole and let both cook.
When you figure the egg is done on that side, carefully flip the whole mess over to cook the raw side. When this has being accomplished, lay a slice of cheese across it - I'd use Velveeta as it melts quickest - and turn off the burner. Let the cheese melt as the egg finishes, plate it and garnish with bacon strips across the top. Eat. And you know it's going to be good because it's got bacon grease! I didn't say Good FOR you. Pay attention here.
"Picnic in Provence, A Memoir With Recipes" by Elizabeth Bard 368 pages $26
A winsome little story with inedible recipes for foods I don't like. However for sheer ease of accomplishment, I did like this and we are coming up on Christmas treats - as gifts or just house bounty.
These are called "Mendiants" (beggars) and are easy enough that a dullard like myself can make them.
1 lb. best possible chocolate - you want minimum 70% cacao and Trader Joe's carries it. Carefully melt it and pour it on parchment paper on a cookie sheet in little rounds. Only make a few little circles at a time as you are going to be sticking at least three of the following into the warm chocolate and it will harden or set quickly.
Possibilities:
Traditional in France -
Chopped dried figs, dark or golden raisins, blanched almonds, whole hazelnuts.
Making it up as you go - chopped dried apricots
Chopped candied orange, lemon or grapefruit peel
Candied ginger
Walnuts
Dried cherries or cranberries
Making it is even easier. After you've chosen your garnishes, put them in small piles so that you can run an assembly line of sorts. This might be a good thing for a child to help you with - assign each kid a particular item to press into the chocolate. Wash their hands yourself to make sure they are clean. Little kids are ambulating germ factories.
The Bacon Grease Special
Cook bacon in a large skillet. Remove bacon and some of the bacon grease. Take a slice of bread and using a water glass (diameter your choice) press out a hole in the bread. Put the slice of bread in the bacon grease and start it browning. Carefully break an egg into the hole and let both cook.
When you figure the egg is done on that side, carefully flip the whole mess over to cook the raw side. When this has being accomplished, lay a slice of cheese across it - I'd use Velveeta as it melts quickest - and turn off the burner. Let the cheese melt as the egg finishes, plate it and garnish with bacon strips across the top. Eat. And you know it's going to be good because it's got bacon grease! I didn't say Good FOR you. Pay attention here.
"Picnic in Provence, A Memoir With Recipes" by Elizabeth Bard 368 pages $26
A winsome little story with inedible recipes for foods I don't like. However for sheer ease of accomplishment, I did like this and we are coming up on Christmas treats - as gifts or just house bounty.
These are called "Mendiants" (beggars) and are easy enough that a dullard like myself can make them.
1 lb. best possible chocolate - you want minimum 70% cacao and Trader Joe's carries it. Carefully melt it and pour it on parchment paper on a cookie sheet in little rounds. Only make a few little circles at a time as you are going to be sticking at least three of the following into the warm chocolate and it will harden or set quickly.
Possibilities:
Traditional in France -
Chopped dried figs, dark or golden raisins, blanched almonds, whole hazelnuts.
Making it up as you go - chopped dried apricots
Chopped candied orange, lemon or grapefruit peel
Candied ginger
Walnuts
Dried cherries or cranberries
Making it is even easier. After you've chosen your garnishes, put them in small piles so that you can run an assembly line of sorts. This might be a good thing for a child to help you with - assign each kid a particular item to press into the chocolate. Wash their hands yourself to make sure they are clean. Little kids are ambulating germ factories.
Friday, November 27, 2015
More Tidbits
Yesterday, Jay Simpson. a fellow Thurs. Writer, sent a very timely reminder to us all. If you didn't see it (or forgot to do it) it's not too late to set your scales back 10 lbs. this morning.
Ports Report
Many of you already know that one of my favorite outings is the Sunday all you can drink free champagne brunch at Ports O Call, on the water in San Pedro. They also do it on Thanksgiving and that's where Richie and Raffish and self spent a good part of the afternoon (2 1/2 hours to be exact.)
Despite having reservations, I was concerned that there would be so many people there that it would take half an hour just to get to the food layout. Such was not the case. Staff was expecting 600 guests yesterday, but apparently they all come in the late afternoon as there were several empty tables around us. Thus we didn't feel guilty taking our time eating and going back for a little of this and perhaps a bite or two of that...
I debuted the transporter wheelchair as food tray with great success. Open it, put your napkin on the seat with the plate on top and push it around, lifting the plate to serve yourself, then putting it back on the seat and going on to the next food station. You're welcome!
Black Friday seems to be something of a dud so far - no one trampled at the doors and subsequently hospitalized (or buried.) No screaming, hair-pulling fights among the women (and certain of the men) shopping...
Much is made of Feed the Homeless! on Thanksgiving Day but I have to wonder about two things:
1. Is that the only nice meal they get all year round?
2. Do they not get the treasured leftover sandwiches the rest of us love?
A good one is: white "air bread" (aka WonderBread( slathered with mayonnaise, layered with white meat turkey, spread-out dressing with a grind of black pepper and a kiss of cranberry sauce (optional.) Put the other slice of air bread on top and squish the whole thing down to one-third its height and eat. Air bread is the critical factor in my estimation.
AND LASTLY - A BOLD NEW THIEF
They are seasonal and they are called Porch Package Thieves. Apparently the season has started for them. Local police are looking for a woman who was driving slowly, spotted a UPS box on a porch, stopped, approached the house and rang the doorbell. No answer so she picked up the package, got back in her car and drove away.
If you are waiting for a delivery and can't be home, ask a neighbor who can see your porch to bring it in to their house immediately.
Our UPS guy is thoughtful enough to put anything for us (if we don't answer) on the back step below the porch level. It's then invisible from the street.
Ports Report
Many of you already know that one of my favorite outings is the Sunday all you can drink free champagne brunch at Ports O Call, on the water in San Pedro. They also do it on Thanksgiving and that's where Richie and Raffish and self spent a good part of the afternoon (2 1/2 hours to be exact.)
Despite having reservations, I was concerned that there would be so many people there that it would take half an hour just to get to the food layout. Such was not the case. Staff was expecting 600 guests yesterday, but apparently they all come in the late afternoon as there were several empty tables around us. Thus we didn't feel guilty taking our time eating and going back for a little of this and perhaps a bite or two of that...
I debuted the transporter wheelchair as food tray with great success. Open it, put your napkin on the seat with the plate on top and push it around, lifting the plate to serve yourself, then putting it back on the seat and going on to the next food station. You're welcome!
Black Friday seems to be something of a dud so far - no one trampled at the doors and subsequently hospitalized (or buried.) No screaming, hair-pulling fights among the women (and certain of the men) shopping...
Much is made of Feed the Homeless! on Thanksgiving Day but I have to wonder about two things:
1. Is that the only nice meal they get all year round?
2. Do they not get the treasured leftover sandwiches the rest of us love?
A good one is: white "air bread" (aka WonderBread( slathered with mayonnaise, layered with white meat turkey, spread-out dressing with a grind of black pepper and a kiss of cranberry sauce (optional.) Put the other slice of air bread on top and squish the whole thing down to one-third its height and eat. Air bread is the critical factor in my estimation.
AND LASTLY - A BOLD NEW THIEF
They are seasonal and they are called Porch Package Thieves. Apparently the season has started for them. Local police are looking for a woman who was driving slowly, spotted a UPS box on a porch, stopped, approached the house and rang the doorbell. No answer so she picked up the package, got back in her car and drove away.
If you are waiting for a delivery and can't be home, ask a neighbor who can see your porch to bring it in to their house immediately.
Our UPS guy is thoughtful enough to put anything for us (if we don't answer) on the back step below the porch level. It's then invisible from the street.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Paraphrasing Another Author
Thanksgiving was lauded in Annie's Mailbox, an Aunt Agony column in the Daily Breeze, by this column which I propose to update? Paraphrase? a little. I would credit the author, but it is that bestselling-writer Anonymous.
"Things To Be Grateful For" This is grammatically incorrect as we all know never to end a sentence with a preposition.
Be thankful for snug clothing; it means you are well-fed. (snort) Nice try, Fatso.
Be thankful for the mess you pick up after a party at your house. It means you have lots of friends. None of whom have the decency or class to pick up after themselves.
Be thankful if your home needs repairs because it means you have a home. Tell that to the Community Watchdogs who are NIMBY Nazis.
Be thankful that you hear people complain about "the government" because we all have free speech. However all of the special little snowflakes protesting at universities and colleges about "being mistreated" are not exactly holding the ends of that banner as they all seem to feel they require (not need) special treatment. Bitch slap it if it shows up for dinner. That's the real world, a place they've clearly never visited.
Personally, our annual toast is: We can't choose our families, but we can damned well choose our friends! Bottoms up!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING - MAY YOUR TURKEY BE MOIST, PLENTY OF GRAVY AND YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM WINS.
"Things To Be Grateful For" This is grammatically incorrect as we all know never to end a sentence with a preposition.
Be thankful for snug clothing; it means you are well-fed. (snort) Nice try, Fatso.
Be thankful for the mess you pick up after a party at your house. It means you have lots of friends. None of whom have the decency or class to pick up after themselves.
Be thankful if your home needs repairs because it means you have a home. Tell that to the Community Watchdogs who are NIMBY Nazis.
Be thankful that you hear people complain about "the government" because we all have free speech. However all of the special little snowflakes protesting at universities and colleges about "being mistreated" are not exactly holding the ends of that banner as they all seem to feel they require (not need) special treatment. Bitch slap it if it shows up for dinner. That's the real world, a place they've clearly never visited.
Personally, our annual toast is: We can't choose our families, but we can damned well choose our friends! Bottoms up!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING - MAY YOUR TURKEY BE MOIST, PLENTY OF GRAVY AND YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM WINS.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Bits & Pieces as the Day Goes Along
President Obama has called for us to discuss guns and presumably gun laws over our plates at the Thanksgiving Eat-O-Rama. This is not a good idea for any gathering of my family - they'd pull them out and show them! And then go out in the yard for a target shooting contest. As alcohol is always involved at these events, you do see my point.
Unlikely Beauty Pageants
(source: DailyNews.co.uk) Talavera Bruce maximum security prison, Rio, is having their annual beauty pageant. The purpose is said to be to "raise their self-esteem and humanize them." Toward that end, a 31 year old drug trafficking prisoner remarked that it was her first opportunity to meet her 10 months' old grandchild.
On my own, I discovered that Recife, Brazil, has a similar contest and last year's winner was a 19 year old murderess.
Nairobi, Kenya offers as a prize the opportunity to learn how to apply make-up as a leg up for job hunting on release. Unfortunately, the winner was a death row inmate.
A Thanksgiving Toast
"We can't choose our families, but we can, by God, choose our friends!"
Unlikely Beauty Pageants
(source: DailyNews.co.uk) Talavera Bruce maximum security prison, Rio, is having their annual beauty pageant. The purpose is said to be to "raise their self-esteem and humanize them." Toward that end, a 31 year old drug trafficking prisoner remarked that it was her first opportunity to meet her 10 months' old grandchild.
On my own, I discovered that Recife, Brazil, has a similar contest and last year's winner was a 19 year old murderess.
Nairobi, Kenya offers as a prize the opportunity to learn how to apply make-up as a leg up for job hunting on release. Unfortunately, the winner was a death row inmate.
A Thanksgiving Toast
"We can't choose our families, but we can, by God, choose our friends!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Accidentally Beating Out Black Friday
Not that we ever "took advantage" of Black Friday anyhow. Around here, if you need something (or think you do) you go out and buy it. Which can make Christmas present shopping a real bear but that's another story for another season.
Yesterday we happened to be in the neighborhood of the local La-Z-Boy showroom and since Richie needs a new recliner - "Thanks, cats - having the same chair for 30 years wasn't good enough for you?" - we went in. There were acres of the damned things and Richie turned into Goldilocks and test sat in every one of them.
He settled upon an oxblood leather that swivels and rocks like a porch swing as well as goes nearly flat. Sensationally comfortable. When we finally looked at the price, a little item we hadn't bothered with previously, we were somewhat confused. The regular price was shown with a line through it and the sale price listed, but on top of all of this was additional information - take 25% off of the sale price - which explained the "cheat sheet" pricing info sheet the clerk had handed us, making mention of Black Friday.
Since it was Monday, we grinned at each other. There were only two other shoppers in the whole store! No crowds! And the price was considerably lower. We snapped it up and one is being delivered on Saturday. The day after Fred the Cat goes to the vet to have his nails clipped.
But I got to wondering about the La-Z-Boy history since they seem to have been around all of my life (and I'm 75.)
Back in 1928 a pair of cousins in Monroe, MI. got together - Ed the woodworker and Ed the farmer - and created the original out of orange crates designed to be a porch swing. In time, they added upholstery making it a "year around chair." The fledgling corporation had a contest to name it and La-Z-Boy won. I couldn't find the winner's name so that part will linger in the mists of time.
And in future mists of time, we'll have to replace it - but never on a Black Friday if we can get there on a Monday!
Yesterday we happened to be in the neighborhood of the local La-Z-Boy showroom and since Richie needs a new recliner - "Thanks, cats - having the same chair for 30 years wasn't good enough for you?" - we went in. There were acres of the damned things and Richie turned into Goldilocks and test sat in every one of them.
He settled upon an oxblood leather that swivels and rocks like a porch swing as well as goes nearly flat. Sensationally comfortable. When we finally looked at the price, a little item we hadn't bothered with previously, we were somewhat confused. The regular price was shown with a line through it and the sale price listed, but on top of all of this was additional information - take 25% off of the sale price - which explained the "cheat sheet" pricing info sheet the clerk had handed us, making mention of Black Friday.
Since it was Monday, we grinned at each other. There were only two other shoppers in the whole store! No crowds! And the price was considerably lower. We snapped it up and one is being delivered on Saturday. The day after Fred the Cat goes to the vet to have his nails clipped.
But I got to wondering about the La-Z-Boy history since they seem to have been around all of my life (and I'm 75.)
Back in 1928 a pair of cousins in Monroe, MI. got together - Ed the woodworker and Ed the farmer - and created the original out of orange crates designed to be a porch swing. In time, they added upholstery making it a "year around chair." The fledgling corporation had a contest to name it and La-Z-Boy won. I couldn't find the winner's name so that part will linger in the mists of time.
And in future mists of time, we'll have to replace it - but never on a Black Friday if we can get there on a Monday!
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