Monday, March 2, 2009

Mondays. (Sigh.)

Resumption of the heavy load. So let's have some fun! 'Impossible!" you snort, but consider these ...

The CIA is said to use poison toothpaste to take out dictators (such as Belgian Congo's Patrice Lumumba.) Larry Devlin, the agent issued it, said he didn't use it.

If you're going camping, be advised that bears can't differentiate between food and toothpaste, so include it in the food you hang high above the ground.

It's said that 72 per cent of Americans squeeze toothpaste from the top of the tube. I'm one of them so Richie took it upon himself to put a clothespin across the base of my tube to encourage me to change my errant and evil ways.

Vegetable Shortening or Crisco
Waterproof your baby! Cover the entire heinie in Crisco!

To make white clown make-up for Halloween or for just generally terrorizing the neighbors (wear it with no explanation) mix two tablespoons of corn starch with one tablespoon of vegetable shortening.

Although Crisco, for example, appears solid it's actually more than 80% oil suspended in a lattice of fat solids similar to honey in a honey comb. Ladies, think "cellulite."

Show your kids how plants grow beneath the earth's surface -- plant some seeds in Jell-O and watch them grow. (Frankly this doesn't sound possible to me ... dirt is one thing; Jell-O is quite another.)

Style your hair on the cheap! Forget expensive potions. 1 teaspoon Jell-O dissolved in a cup of warm water and applied to your hair.

Wrestle in Jell-0! (Admit it -- you've always wanted to ...) Pour 2,347 boxes (no more, no less) into an 8 ft. square, padded box, add boiling water and chill for two days.

Mark Your Calendar! April Fool's Day, Eugene, OR At the Maude Kerns Art Gallery -- "Jell-0-Rama" where local artists use it as their medium. Painting, sculpture (if a little wobbly) and so forth.

Special thanks to Editor Tony.

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