Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Santa Delivers All Right!

This is the first time I've done this, but these are stressful times and a good laugh is called for from all.  Apparently my thoughts as a child were incorrect.  Santa is not a huggable, lovable bowl of cherries.  Or else times have changed.  Probably that (sigh.)

Dear Santa,
How are you?  How is Mrs. Claus?  I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves is fine. 
Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy
Thank you for your letter.  Mrs. Clause, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.

Santa is a little worried at all of the time you spend playing video games and texting.  Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.  Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

Mr. Claus:
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" clause, set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for this year.  I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.  Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year a bit unfair?
Respectfully, Tim Jones

Mr. Jones:
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services to be provided?

Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. 

Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than eager to take you on in open court.

Additionally the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very truly yours,
S. Claus

Now look here, Fat Man - I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it.  I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into it.  Now you just be disrespecting me.  I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, phone and whatever else I may want.

Listen Pizza Face
Seriously???  You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a little G-banger wannabe?  "He sees you when you're sleeping.  He knows when you're awake."  Sound familiar, genius?

You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.  I got your stuff wired, Jack.  I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them to you right now, you throw up your pizza all over the carpet of your mom's basement. 

You are NOT getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry.  Chew on that, Petunia.  S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring whatever you see fit.  I'll appreciate anything.

That's what I thought, you little not tough enough to take on Santa.

Author Unknown

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