The Evil, Dreaded Thing

Yesterday Richie handed me my mail and said, 'There's bad news in there." He was right. "You are summoned to appear for jury service..."

After I vented by cursing in imaginative and forceful words, sufficient to qualify me as a Marine Drill Inspector, I calmed enough to look for a get out of jail card somewhere on the form.

And I found it. If you are under 70 and physcially incapable of serving, your doctor fills out a section of the summons and you are free as a lark. If you are 70 or older, you can fill out the medical part and name whatever condition you might have that renders you incapable of jury duty.

I thought about all of my doctors and which one would be willing to lie. Sadly, the answer was "None of them."

But, wait! I have an ace up my sleeve! Our dear, dear friend "Raffish" IS a medical doctor. More importantly, he is a gentle soul, placid and suggestable... particularly after a good dinner with lots of the appropriate wines.

I would even be kind enough to dictate it for him: "My patient is mentally deranged to the point that I am seriously considering institutionalizing her. She is physically violent as she imagines she is a karate black belt. She is delusional; she has instructed me to call her "Carla Bruni-Sarkozy." Her reasoning? She speaks French. You can see what I'm dealing with here and she is the last person you would want on a jury now or in the foreseeable future." Something like that should be quite effective.

But as I actually am 70,. using a doctor isn't going to work. In fact, using one might raise suspicions on the part of the bailiffs or whoever the hellish person is that has drawn my name three times in five years. Never right after I've done it and am not required to go.

As it happens, the problem I had has returned. I'd gamble that "viral radiculitis of the femoral iliac nerve" would be too long and too complicated for Them to look up or bother with.

The problem is: I simply can't get up the nerve to do it. It's not a lie in that I do have the above problem, but that it's so disabling that I can't drive to the courthouse or sit or stand for long periods is certainly not true. I do all of the above on a daily basis.

See you March 29th at the Torrance Courthouse. Unless, of course, I break a leg on March 28th...